Mahogany Misfit

Since it is the irony of my frivolous childfree life (one not lived in "the real world" as you learned in the last post) to be surrounded by people with children, it should come as no shock that my BFF is expecting her first baby in the fall.

A few weeks ago, she announced to me that she wanted to have a baby shower.

I panicked a little when she told me because well...how should I articulate this?

I LOATHE FUCKING BABY SHOWERS.

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Did anyone else know that when you make a nice, uncomplicated, peaceful life for yourself, you are "not living in the real world"?

Ha, me either!

But after a riveting conversation with a friend today, I now see the error of my ways.

By refusing to make babies, buy a house, and settle down with a husband, I have been avoiding "life in the real world".

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For any of my readers who have ever shacked up or been married, what is the proper etiquette regarding whacking off in a relationship?

I inquire because I was over at Slate today and came across a letter written by a married man whose wife is perturbed by his endless jacking off, and since I've never cohabited (and don't plan to in this lifetime!!!), I'm in need of some insight.

First though, here's the letter:

Dear Prudence,
I have been married for seven years, but I am still troubled by how to speak openly about masturbation with my spouse. I masturbate pretty much every morning after getting up and every evening before I go to bed, unless I think my wife and I will make love. The problem is that my wife sees my masturbation as a declaration that she does not please me, which is not true. I enjoy our lovemaking, and I'd prefer to make love to her as often as I masturbate; she's simply not interested in doing it that often. (Believe me, I've tried.) Moreover, she complains that I "take too long" and says she would be more willing if I were "normal" and didn't last so long. My wife also has suggested there is something wrong with me for wanting to make love or masturbate as often as I do. I accept that I'll never be able to make love to my wife as often as I would like, but how do I convey to her that masturbation is normal and that she shouldn't see it as evidence that she's inadequate?

—Illicit Self-Lover

Is there something wrong with this picture other than the fact that this couple seems to be mismatched with regard to sexual appetite? And since they don't seem fully compatible in that regard, is it really WRONG for him to be spanking it twice a day?

Personally speaking, I have never been on a hiatus from masturbating- not even in relationships! I always get in some "me time" regardless of how active my sex life is. It's normal behavior as far as I'm concerned...right?

I specifically remember my ex being QUITE the masturbator as well. We always discussed the fact that we masturbated in each other's absence!

Maybe though, the absence part is what made it acceptable?  Who knows if he would have taken so kindly to my close relationship with my Hitachi Magic Wand had we lived together.

*Me + Hitachi = 

Ahem, and on the flip side, who knows if I would have been thrilled about his constant flings with his fleshlight!

I mean sure, I LOVE the idea of men touching themselves (and sometimes I watch it on the internet via xtube.com and share the videos with my girlfriends, shhhhh!) but maybe being around it all the time would start to annoy me?

I kinda doubt it but who knows.

And again since I have no experience living with a partner, I can only hypothesize.

Does anyone with some experience want to school me on the protocol of masturbation during cohabitation? Must it be done without the other partner's awareness so as not to offend them? Have any of you caught a partner in the act of stroking? Would it piss you off if you did? If so, why?

Are people allowed to masturbate in relationships or what?!?!?!

Since I've already outed myself as a dedicated soap watcher on this blog, I feel more than comfortable doing a rant about something soap related today.

First, the bullshittery that ensued on Y&R last week is too good NOT TO SHARE.

The short story is, there is a mentally unstable crackpot on the show named Mary Jane who is 83 kinds of crazy.

See for yourself.

Backstory- apparently, she committed caticide (like "homicide" but on a cat) with the real cat she had a few weeks ago and had to "replace" it.

Jesus take the wheel.

Secondly, since this is a major theme in the conversations I have with my parents (yes, Dad is an avid Y&R watcher too!! The whole family is hung up on this shit, yay us!), I sometimes visit a Y&R message board to get some spoilers to share with them.

Anyway, upon my last visit to the board I discovered that finally, Y&R is going to do it's first gay storyline (and gay kiss) in the show's history.

About damn time!

I'm excited but several of the posters don't share my enthusiasm. As matter of fact, there was an astonishing amount of homophobia on display.

Well, maybe it's not so astonishing considering the world is full of ignorant, hateful bastards, but it pissed me off nonetheless.

*I really need to stop taking people's intolerance and stupidity so personally but it's hard!*

One annoying dickass posted: "I cannot believe Y&R is doing this immoral storyline. I have been a loyal viewer for 25 years and if they go through with this, I am done!!!"

Wait a second here...did they just use the word "immoral" in reference to a fucking SOAP OPERA?

Umm breaking news...pretty much every storyline is "immoral" on soaps!

You have spent the last 25 years watching characters drug each other, bust caps in each other, frame each other, hold each other captive and torture each other, commit murder, commit adultery, commit rape, and every other "moral" atrocity under the sun but your self-righteous, moral indignation won't allow you to watch two boys suck face for a hot second?

Wow, people amaze me. No wonder I am a misanthrope love them and their magical ways.