Children: The Road To Ruin- Cinematic Proof!
So everyone knows that I am staunchly childfree and paranoid about the horrors that children bring into people's lives right?
Well this post simply serves as "movie evidence" that proves my paranoia isn't irrational. Children and the baggage that comes along with them is not just scary but potentially deadly!
This list alone should make you question whether or not procreating is such a bright idea!
1. Samara from "The Ring"
Sure you could have a crazed, demonic child and then kill it but what if it's like Samara and haunts and kills from the grave? Problem NOT solved! Kids...once they're here you can't get rid of them.
Fuckers.
2. Gage from "Pet Semetary
Awwww isn't he 'pwwecious'?
With his weee bitty wittle knife!!!
Sweeeet!
Anyway, poor little fella was hit by a semi-truck and croaked...ooh but wait... he also has a case of the "undeads" like Samara and can't stay deceased! This movie shows us that sometimes being a parent to a dead kid is more of a hassle than being the parent to a living one!
3. Regan from "The Exorcist"
Yep, have a kid, think life is grand and then BAM! kid gets possessed by Satan! It happens THAT FAST! Regan's downfall was a Ouija board but my belief is that the devil enters children much more easily than adults so Ouija board or not, all kids are likely at risk for a demonic possession. God, can you imagine having a demon possessed, rapidly rotating headed pre-teen wreaking havoc on your life, hurling up her pea soup all over the place and stabbing herself in the twat with a crucifix? I can't!
4. Carol Ann from "Poltergeist"
So on top of all the other headaches that comes with children, you would think that to get a break you could plop the little bastard in front of the TV and go about your business for a few hours right? WRONG! We now discover you can't use the TV as a friggen babysitter anymore because it might swallow your little tot up and take over the house! That blows.
5. Damien from "The Omen"
Where do I even begin with this satanic little pipsqueak... to prospective parents who fret over birth defects, disabilities, etc., and ask themselves shit like: "What will I do if my child was diagnosed with autism or some other disease?", you may wanna ask something more important: "WHAT WILL I DO IF MY CHILD IS THE ANTI-CHRIST?" Then once your vag dropping is born be sure to diligently comb thru that scalp seeking out the mark of the devil. I have met a few kids in my life who were so bad I wish I coulda searched their heads for a triple six to confirm my suspicions!
Even though I didn't see it, I know that shit was there.
6. Chucky from "Child's Play"
Let's look at our list thus far...no TV exposure for the little ones, make sure you don't murder your kid or let it get hit by a moving vehicle and die because it will most certainly come back to kill you and everyone else it can get it's hands on, no ouija boards in the house, and now NO DOLLS. NOT EVER! If nothing else, Chucky teaches us that any doll you bring into your home could be possessed by the spirit of a dead serial killer and is a severe risk to your life. In subsequent sequels Chucky shows us that these dolls could follow your child to foster homes, military school, and even "marry" other demonic dolls and start breeding. (See "Bride of Chucky" and "Seed of Chucky")
7. Freaky blonde kids with the glowy red eyes from "Village of The Damned"
Complicated back story here so rent the movie. In any case, this movie teaches us that children in numbers is ALWAYS BAD NEWS! They are E-V-I-L and they will kill every adult in sight if given the chance! When I see a group of kids, I drop whatever the hell I'm doing and head in the opposite fucking direction! Multiple children=BIG PROBLEMS!
8. Corn-stalk kids from "Children of The Corn"
DITTO TO WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT CHILDREN IN NUMBERS!
9. Rosemary from "Rosemary's Baby"
Simple lesson here. If you get knocked up you're gonna have to deal with the possibility that you're carrying "Satan Jr." That's just how the world works people. I don't make the rules.
10. Rhoda from "The Bad Seed"
There is nothing worse than having an adorable yet bloodthirsty, murderous kid in the house...killing classmates, elderly neighbors, building superintendents, etc.. Any of you people set on having kids can let me know how it feels in a few years cause the odds of you ending up with one are better than mine!
HAHAHA...suckers!
Mahogany Misfit - Tuesday, November 25, 2008 at 06:59PM - 11 said something... - filed under Childfree POV Email Article 
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Reader Comments (11)
HILARIOUS AND TRUE!!! You're going to have me giving my daughter the side eye lololol
The "side eye" LMAO!
Hahahahaha I love it.
You know, this post is beyond on point. Most of the horror stories of the ages have involved kids. Rhoda's ass shoulda been #1. LOL She was all sunshine, flowers and rainbows until she didn't get her way, then she'd just kill somebody. The sad part about it is that more and more kids are actually like Rhoda today - crazy, homicidal, and fucking nuts, yet their parents think they've birthed bricks of gold or some shit...until they find out the truth about their little vag droppings. (I like that phrase! LOL)
Whoo girl this was a GREAT post. I bust out laughing when you said "When I see a group of kids, I drop whatever the hell I'm doing and head in the opposite fucking direction! "
FOFL!
You are a gem. Obama should appoint you "Secretary of the LOL'S"!
You're still going to be Godmother! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nuh uh girl...if you end up with a devil's spawn of this magnitude you can count me out of God motherhood!!!
Sorry! LMAO.
LOL! I am still very unnerved by children with names like Malachi.
You forgot that fucking selfish spawn from 28 Weeks Later. Those ass twats practically caused the end of the world, but not before orphaning themselves and countless others. All of this because those fucking ignorant bastards didn‘t think they could remember what their mother looked like without a picture. They were specifically told not to leave the grounds…disrespectful fuckers! They made me want to boycott all movies with children in them.
ooh this was sooo funny ! sooo funny !!
You picked the right movies!!
Thankfully my kids are far from being any of these little devils! ;)
Happy Thanksgiving!!
HAHAHAH!!!! Finding this blog made my day!!
Wow, well that flattering comment made my day! Thank you Mob Princess! :-)