Why Is It MY Job To Help You Feel Like A Man?
So I made the mistake of going through my inbox last night to try and clear out some of the old, irrelevant emails that I no longer need and I came across some correspondence with my ex that infuriated me so much I had to post about it.
Rather than email him out of the blue and cuss him out for being such an insecure DICKWAD, I'll rant here.
After one of our many arguments about me not making him feel "needed" enough (because I'm not a clingy, dependent girlfriend), he said the following:
"Some of our growing pains are because of the simple fact you always act like a man can't do anything for you that you can do yourself. My biggest challenge with you in the beginning was all because of your attitude that you don't need a man. I don't know why we're in a relationship if you don't need me and your attitude is that you don't. You say you want me in your life but as a man, I need to feel needed. It would be great if you would let up on the control and back down once in a while just for me."
After reading this, my first thought was...what a whiny, insecure little douchebag.
My second thought was, what control? And BACK DOWN? WHAT?
The only thing I've ever tried to control in any relationship is myself.
And as far as "backing down", I don't do that. Yes I pick and choose my battles, and no I'm not one to argue every second of the day because I'm not into arguing but "back down" just for the sake of making him feel needed and in control of everything? No. I wasn't going to do any of that.
From what I understand now, hindsight being 20/20, the fact that I was my own person was what attracted Michael to me. My independence was sexy to him. SO why would you take on a woman like me, who takes SUCH pride in her independence and does everything possible to maintain it at all times, and try to make her dependent on you?
Dumb fuck.
Uggghhhh!
Anyway, female readers, tell me...has anyone else experienced this?
The fact that so many men have to feel a certain dependency on your part?
For Michael and I, this was a prevalent issue. In my opinion, wanting someone in your life and expressing that to them should be enough and I explained that to him repeatedly. I can't even tell you how many times we had this conversation. I told him in no uncertain terms, we are in this relationship because I WANT you in my life, not because I need you. It's based on desire, not dependency. In my opinion, that is how ADULT relationships should be. A child NEEDS a parent. Significant others should not NEED one another. I am a grown woman, I don't place my dependencies on other people. Gimme a fucking break already.
In my eyes, this explanation was more than sufficient. For him though, it was off-putting.
He didn't want me to just "want him", he wanted me to NEED him and it was my duty to make him feel needed.
Uh and that wasn't gonna happen so no wonder we broke up. Ultimately I think it was this that destroyed the relationship. And just from reading certain websites and talking to women and fuck, listening to men talk about women, I hear OFTEN that men are turned off by women who "act like they don't need a man".
If you recall, Terry hurled a similar accusation at me when he claimed I was "acting too much like a man".
For some reason there is this fucked up notion among TOO MANY men that women who aren't inherently helpless, needy, clingy, and emotionally frail are either acting like men or robbing men of their "place" in the world. Apparently inner strength and the ability to depend only on oneself is A MAN THING!
Whoops, color me embarrassed! I never knew! Typical of a silly misguided feminist I guess. Always trying to be for myself what I should be letting a man be for me.
Damn, what is the problem here and why do we hear this trash so often?
Why do so many men give off the vibe that woman not needing them or pursuing them at every waking moment is a perceived threat to their manhood?
I seriously don't get it.
My message to any man who has ever felt that certain women act "too much like men" or that they can't be bothered with women who behave as if they "don't NEED a man" is this:
1. Why must someone NEED you and why are you obsessed with creating dependency in the women you date? Are you that insecure? Do you have a "Captain Save A Ho" complex?
2. Why is a woman "acting like a man" when she simply looks out for her own interests sexually and isn't concerned with "trapping you" with a relationship or a baby?
3. Just WHAT is so scary about being with an independent woman who doesn't NEED you? Is it the fact that she's less likely to put up with dumb shit in order to keep you? Seriously, what is it?
Because seriously, if these are the rules of the game nowadays, count me the fuck out. I'm not going to infantilize myself in order for some man to feel "needed". I mean, come on now. Why would I relinquish some or ANY of my independence in order to make a man feel more secure in his manhood? How the hell is that my job??? Why should I act like I "need" someone in order to keep him around? If wanting but being perfectly okay with NOT having a certain man in my life is some sort of threat to him, then I guess I'm just not the woman for him. If his manhood won't allow him to appreciate me for being strong, stable, independent and FINE on my own in the event I'm without him, then he ain't my kinda man. NEWSFLASH GUYS: A WOMAN'S INDEPENDENCE SHOULD NOT EMASCULATE YOU.
And if it does, YOU'RE the one with the fucking problem. Cope with it!
I could go on all day but I want to hear what you guys have to say. Male and female readers of course. Your comments always entertain and often enlighten me so go for it peeps!
Mahogany Misfit - Tuesday, February 24, 2009 at 02:37PM - 10 said something... - filed under Male Oriented Bullshittery, Me Bitching and Ranting, Women's Issues Email Article 
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (10)
Execellent post and this is one of the reasons I love this blog, you never hold back.
Dealing with men for so long has taught me that the male ego is one of the most fragile things a woman will ever encounter. It's sad how easily men are threatened by women with that sense of self-power and independence. My dad makes statements like this all the time. He, like many other men (your ex included) seem to want to go thru life not being challenged and feeling "in charge" of women. Everything has to either be at their command or be willing to bend to make them feel more manly.
Tis bullshit.
It's funny that you bring this up. I sat listening to Neo's (I think) She Got Her Own and I brought up this same point. Now, I hear men say they find this type of woman sexy, but I have never witnessed it first hand. My ex told me plenty of times that I acted like the man in the relationship. Why? Because you told me first that you loved me and I waited months before I responded? Why? Because I didn't want to cuddle after we did the deed or because I told you that I didn't need to be in love to fuck?
Please show me where to find the men that REALLY think an independent woman is stimulating. I am sick to death of the men that want me to act like I don't know a damn thing just so that you can feel like a man. It will be a cold day in Hell before I ask you if buffalos have wings just so you can keep a hard on.
what a whiny, insecure little douchebag. LMAO!!!
yeah I seriously don't get it either.
If his manhood won't allow him to appreciate me for being strong, stable, independent and FINE on my own in the event I'm without him, then he ain't my kinda man. NEWSFLASH GUYS: A WOMAN'S INDEPENDENCE SHOULD NOT EMASCULATE YOU. (I couldn't have said it any better!!!)
Dude...the fuck? I've never needed a man, although there are ones who I would like to keep in my life, for various reasons. I was always taught that needing a man (or woman) is a sign of weakness and disrespect for the other person, as they're there to fill a void in yourself rather than for how they enhance your life. Who is so insecure that they'd need and actively seek this out? Who thinks they have nothing to offer, so they have to keep their partner dependent on them to stop them leaving? My father has always told me that he loves how independent my mother is, as she's there because she wants to be, not because she's trapped. It keeps him on his toes.
Why aren't you linking to http://www.heartless-bitches.com (Heartless Bitches International)? Talk about your independent women! I'm trying to grow a spine just to be one of them!
I am married to one of these men you describe, but hopefully not for much longer. His tactics have always been to sabotage and undermine and sulk when I have dared to step out of his 'wifey' box. Silly me, I never knew any better than to LET him until recently!
Have a super day! :)
I don't think that "need" is always financial or taking me on trips and shopping sprees. I also don't think that men "need" to be the topic of conversation. If they are they are insecure losers. Everybody needs somebody just like females need females and guys need guys. Dude did sound whiny in the message which just shows he is definetely not strong enough for you. If you look at a Mary J Blige or Michelle Obama and Beyonce they essentially don't "need" a man in their lives but each man seems to compliment them and hold their hand when they needed, inspire them when they need it, and give them access to history faster by being a partner. Most men are simple. They think they gotta be a caveman and run you and threaten you and act retarded so you will act right. But an independendant women isn't having your out of wedlock kids getting played by you and begging you to spend the night. The RIGHT man will get done to the place that no one knows about and that you might now show and take care of that one. You'll see.
These are the jacked up idiots who marry a woman who DOES back down and let him control her. She'll become a doormat, lose herself, lose her identity, become clingy and needy which turns him off, and he'll go cheat on her...with a woman like you.
These asshats are deeply insecure, deeply immature, and are unfortunately as common as flies.
It will be snowing in hell the day I let a man control anything about me. If he doesn't like how I run MY LIFE, the door is over there and don't let it hit him in the ass on the way out. BYE!
This post opened the floodgate of memories of my ex husband, who also used some of the same verbiage as Michael did.
My ex was attracted to be for my independence, assertiveness, ability to do things for myself, and for being a strong and secure woman. He knew my history and what I'd been through and applauded me for it. Well, this was all before I attached his last name to mine. Then he got all possessive and seemed to start hating all the things he once loved about me. He'd go as far as to hide the toolbox, insist he didn't need help with a DIY project, or some other insane form of securing his masculinity claiming that I had to need him for something. WHAT? REALLY? If I ask you to do something and you don't do it, I'll ask again, but I won't keep asking; I'll simply do it myself or get it done somehow. And this equates me having to need him for something? RIIIIGHT! There was plenty I needed him for, but he kept making things a challenge, competition, or some form of me demeaning/emasculating him. Whatever dude! He should have been proud and happy that he had a wife that could and would do not only for herself, but her family too. He had no problem asking for my help when he was finishing his degree, but couldn't do tasks around the house. Yea, fugga, I guess I didn't need you after all.
Sorry for the rant. This post kinda set me off. I feel you girl; I feel you bad on this one.
Love to live; live to love!
OOHh! I fucking love your blog! Shit, it's like reading my own writing, except i get all metaphysical and what not. But yes, SPEAK ON IT! I'm so glad you EXIST. I'm an animal lover, not dating at all right now by choice and well, energy...but umm YEAH--you're fabulous.
You're like my Cancerian twin. I'm a Gem. I also have a lot of planets in Cancer. Well, 2 but they are important ones.
ciao!
let's chat soon. you're def a kindred. do you read the feministing blog?
Hi Jess!
Why thank you, it's always nice to hear someone out here relates. I do read the Feministing blog and am stumbling upon a lot of other feminist blogs that spark my interest.
Oh and yes I am a Cancer BUT had I been born a day later, I'd be a Leo! Sometimes the lion does come out roaring so I guess it's not surprising. ;-)