Pissant Children On The Job
Oh my fuck, I cannot even tell you how fucking agitated I am after this hellacious day.
Today was "Bring your bratty crotch nugget child to work day" and the fuckery was at an all time high ALL FUCKING DAY.
First of all, we all have laptops and are generally allowed to work from home whenever we damn well please UNLESS we have conference calls or meetings scheduled.
My childfree coworker/good friend and I have been planning to work remotely since the day we heard this shit was going down. For almost a month, we have been planning to work from home to avoid the snot monsters!
But OF COURSE, at the last goddamn minute yesterday afternoon our boss decided to schedule a meeting for today and attendance was mandatory.
*Sigh*
Fast forward to this morning, I get to work and the place is positively crawling with children.
LITTLE CHILDREN!
Wait a damn minute here...when I went to work with my mom back in the day, I was 12 or 13 and ALL of the other kids were at least 10-years old. So what am I doing looking at a bunch of 5-year-olds at my place of business?
When I was a kid, the point of this day was to come to work with your parents to see what they do for a living and get a grasp of what working is like.
It wasn't for kindergarteners who have no concept of work and can't speak in low tones!
Ugh.
Anyway, one of the first little munchkins I see has on a big, red, plastic fireman's hat complete with a phony fire hose as an accessory.
What the fuck? a) We don't work at a fire station and b) Isn't Halloween in October?
Children...utterly foolish and lacking in all reason.
Immediately my suspicion that parents allow their children to dress in stupidly ridiculous costumes to pacify them and prevent tantrums is confirmed.
I shake my head in disbelief and make my way to the kitchen to have my daily breakfast of toast and yogurt (company provides us with free food every day wooo hooo).
In the break room are children UNATTENDED, pressing all of the buttons on the soda machines (which are also free), stocking up on caffeine.
Just what these heathens need.
Fuck.
The next several hours went something like this:
9:00- The not-so-faint sounds of children laughing and using aggressively loud non-indoor voices fills the air.
9:15- Emailing BFF to tell her of the hell I am in and having her laugh at my misfortune while she enjoys a quiet, serene, childless office in San Fran.
9:20- Snotlings running past the aisles after one another as if this is a goddamn gymnasium.
9:30- Emailing my mom to tell her of the hell I'm in as children loudly giggle and presumably taunt me for being a helpless pawn in their scheme for workplace domination.
(Mom responds back that she would never have taken me or little brother to work before we were old enough to shut the hell up and sit still and these people clearly have no common sense bringing in 5-8 year-old kids).
10:00- The sound of toy gun shots fills the air but unfortunately no children are seriously injured.
10:20- Boss calls our meeting and tries to stay focused despite the fact that kids are now wheeling each other in office chairs past our desks.
10:45- Childfree coworker excuses herself from the meeting to go yell at the kids who are now wheeling each other across the TILED floors in our hallway making FUCKTONS OF FUCKING NOISE!
(I am glad she was the one to reprimand them so I didn't have to be "ANGRY BLACK LADY BEING MEAN TO HARMLESS & INNOCENT WHITE CHILDREN" -P.S. I am the only Black woman who works in our entire building).
11:10- More harrowing emails to Mom and BFF regarding this nightmare that feels as if it will never end.
11:20- Kids are FINALLY taken outside to engage in "activities" (which unfortunately don't include burning to a crisp in the 100 degree Arizona sun).
12:30- Childfree coworker and myself make the 6 minute drive to my place to consume massive amounts of Riesling white wine in an attempt to drink the pain away.
1:50- Back at work, children are still outside doing activities! I don't think we've seen the last of those fuckers though.
3:30- I was right, they're baaaack. More running, giggling, unruly behavior. I have my headphones on full blast and can still hear them. I obviously need better headphones.
3:40- Co-worker reports she overheard a shit-tastic mother in the break room claiming she is "numb" to her children being loud and mis-behaving. HOW NICE FOR YOU TO BE NUMB AND COMPLACENT WHILE THE REST OF US SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF YOUR MERCILESS LITTLE DOUCHEBAGS! (more on this later).
4:00- Childfree female co-worker, childfree male co-worker, and myself get together and wonder aloud if we can round all the children up, sneak them into a conference room and destroy their innocence by telling them the "Tooth Fairy", "The Easter Bunny" and "Santa" is all a bunch of bullshit and there are indeed monsters under their beds waiting to kill and eat them when they least expect it.
4:05- Boss thinks it's a great idea and says he wants in on it.
4:10- I realize none of these fuckers were serious but me.
4:20- I can no longer deal with the kids rolling by on office chairs, laughing loudly, playing hide and go be a shithead seek, asking to go watch Bobpants or whatever that fucking show is, and just the general asshattery that these children continue to practice so I pack up my laptop and LEAVE.
My nerves were on fire the whole motherfucking day! UGH! And now I'm home and I realize, fuck, we drank all the wine at lunch!
I am truly pissed off right now and I will tell you why. Not because I am a childless bitch that pretty much hates children (um well ok that's partly why), but because all of my suffering for the day can be attributed to shitty ass piece of shit parents allowing their kids to wreak fucking havoc and run amok all goddamn day.
The fact that one mother claimed to be "numb" to her bad ass kids is infuriating to me. Lazy, apathetic parents are INFURIATING to me.
This is what's wrong with the world. People have kids for the fuck of it and are then too lazy to actively reprimand and discipline their children. After all, it takes WORK and EFFORT. LOTS OF WORK AND EFFORT! And boo friggity hoo, they don't have the energy to tell their kids how to behave OVER AND OVER AND OVER which is what it fucking takes to be an effective parent.
Well you know what, I don't have the goddamn energy either which is why I don't have fucking kids. TA-DA! See how easy that is?
To have children and allow them to inflict terror upon the rest of us because you are "numb" to their assholey-ness is selfish and fucked up.
And why are you bringing these little hellions to the office if you aren't gonna watch them? You allow them to roam your place of business unsupervised? You are unaware and ignorant to the fact that they are cruising around in office chairs and disturbing meetings? Seriously????
That's the apathetic parent for ya. As long as the kids are out of THEIR sight and our of THEIR hair, THEY COULD GIVE A SHIT. THIS is why I'm not down with O.P.K (other people's kids). Arrrgggghhhh!
I'm done.
I hate everyone.
I'm going to go work out since I'm out of liquor.
By the way, did anyone else get terrorized by O.P.K today or was it just me?
Mahogany Misfit - Thursday, April 23, 2009 at 04:49PM - 13 said something... - filed under Childfree POV, I Hate People Email Article 
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Reader Comments (13)
Holy Shit I am crying- and yes people I am the bff that was laughing from my childfree (yet not bitch ass boss free) job in San Fran. I know today was rough for you girl-this was every one of your worst nightmares come true. I am sending you a case of wine RITE NA!!!
OMG, you poor thing!! I surely thought you'd be at home kickin' it with your feet up today! Methinks the boss did that shit on purpose to you guys so you would have to come in and suffer with him.
This is what's wrong with the world. People have kids for the fuck of it and are then too lazy to actively reprimand and discipline their children. After all, it takes WORK and EFFORT. LOTS OF WORK AND EFFORT. And boo friggity hoo, they don't have the energy to tell their kids how to behave OVER AND OVER AND OVER which is what it fucking takes to be an effective parent.
YES. THIS ^^^^ Some folks keep having kid after kid thinking it's what they're "supposed to do," then when the little fuckers get here, they get lazy and want to foist them off onto grandparents, aunt and uncles or leave them wandering in grocery and department stores or anyone who might want to "watch them for a few minutes" and even more extreme, some do the post-natal abortion thing. Breeders do eventually become numb to their kids' bad behavior - they soon begin to block out all the yelling, screaming, tantruming and other crazy shit their brats do in order to maintain their sanity, but the rest of us are expected to put up with it "cos they're keeydz and keeydz will do that..." ( insert rolling eye icon here...)
I would be MORTIFIED if my daughter came to my job and showed out like the mess that you are describing. My job doesn't have the BYK to work day on the scheduled day, they have in sometime in June. However, they have conference rooms throughout the building set up with activities for all different age ranges.
That said I've never even let my daughter participate in that because I would have to leave her with these random "caretakers" DON"T THINK SO. When she comes in with me, she usually have her bookbag full of activities to keep her busy during the day.
WIth all that said, even though I have a child, I'm really not a fan of children so I feel your pain and will have a glass of wine on my end for you. Thanks for the laugh, this was just what I needed to wrap up this day. LMAO!!!
Oh, my God. So sorry you had to go through that today--sounds like my worst corporate nightmare. Just reading about all those little jerks and their dumb-ass "parents" makes me want a drink, let alone being there.
Your line "Well you know what, I don't have the goddamn energy either which is why I don't have fucking kids. TA-DA! See how easy that is?" made me cackle: ABSOLUTELY. YES, TRUE!
Meanwhile, my husband's cousin is about ready to squeeze out SPROG NUMBER FIVE. They "really wanted another kid" at NUMBER THREE, but NUMBER 4 was a fuckup ("whoops") and NUMBER 5 was a fuckup (didn't learn anything with NUMBER 4 I guess--"thought I couldn't get pregnant if I was still nursing," didn't bother with the fucking PILL)... Such asshattery. I am so glad I have a husband, a cat, a house full of books and music and...oh, what's that? --Oh, yeah...QUIET.
Tomorrow is Friday. It will be a better day!
Woooowwww....talk about a nightmare! I am so sorry that you had to go through that bullshit! Fuck selfish breeders, right in the ass.
Holy shit on a stick! I work at home myself, but hubby is out on disability right now, which may have been a good thing, perhaps he missed this whole clusterfuck.
Sorry you had to deal with this hell on earth.
Oh dear. You poor lady! I really liked the idea about telling them about the monsters under their beds. *evil grin* It's unconscionable that these "parents" would just let their hellions run amok and then for that one woman to claim she's "numb" to their misbehavior?! I think I would have lost control and started screaming at that point.
Oh, in case you're looking for a good pair of headphones, try the Razer Moray In-Ear Noise Isolating Gaming Headphones My hubby got them for me and they work really well to drown out irritating co-workers without causing nerve damage from having to turn up the volume too high. I'm sure they'd work on bratty kids too! :)
*lol* Wow! And I thought my partner and I hating on the kids in restaurants was the worst we could see of kids bad behavior. Guess we were wrong! Thank god for lesbianism. *grin*
Seriously though, we don't have bring your kids to work day because the parents of those helions send them to my job after 18 years of being hyped up on Ritalin and a misguided belief that they are some how more special than everyone else...
that's right i work in a university.
those little helions are the young idiots that i have to coax through every tiring day of getting them to understand the very basics of life:
a) you are not in fact special.
b) you are not in fact entitled to shit.
c) you are not in fact any more intelligent than anyone else in this room. you are in fact probably the dumbest person in any room you are in because you are only 18 and you have lived less than a life.
d) your mother and father are not in fact God or Jesus or whatever diety you think they are and guess what they have no bearing on my job. So don't bring them in here to tell me about my job.
e) and you should not ever bring your parent to any kind of interview. (yes, millenials as they are so lovingly called in the academy are bringing their parents to job interviews.)
So CFS I hear you! Viva La Child Free Lives!!!
You know I thought of you yesterday. LMAO!!!!!! Of course it was accompanied by a chuckle. LOL ok I'll stop. Well my office is full of crazy men who throw the f word around all day so needless to say no one especiallly me would subject my child to such non sense. She went to my mom's job who works for the state attorney they had lots of activities and tours and even a mock trial for the children to do. My mother actually didn't see her all day but then again she's almost 13. They definitely weren't running around causing a rukus that's just stupid. Sorry for your loss of peace of mind Mistress LOL. Unless your job has scheduled activities such as my Mom's I just don't see the point of bringing your kids hell you still have to do you job so all you'll be saying is sit down and shut up all day who needs that ?
UGH, after the "mandatory" meeting I would have feigned food poisoning and boned the hell OUT.
That was funny as hell to read. Sorry you had to go through all that.
I am one of the mothers you described right here:
***parents allow their children to dress in stupidly ridiculous costumes to pacify them and prevent tantrums is confirmed.****
:) Hey, the boy likes Batman and it buys me time while I go food shopping! :)
This is why I'm glad I work in a HOSPITAL. Breeders still think they can bring all their fuckin' kids anytime they want. Oh no you don't ! My unit has a policy, no kids allow. We are a high neutropenic unit, and crotchfruit will just trot in bacteria for our poor immuno-compromised patients.
Ugh! I have a headache for you! I feel like going to lie down after just reading about it. I can't imagine having to live through it.
I thought the day was for children 10 and older. I also thought the event was for the children to learn what their parents do for a living, not "Save on the cost of daycare" day.