Mr. Perfect Presents Himself Again
Those of you who have been with me a long time (readers of my previous blog AND the one before that) will surely remember a guy I dated two years ago by the name of Nick.
For those of you who aren't familiar, allow me to give a brief history.
I met and started dating Nick in the spring of 2005 when I was still living back East. It was great until my job announced a fairly abrupt closure and relocation to Arizona. That fall, I moved here for work and we carried on a long distance relationship for two years before I met my ex, Michael, in the fall of 2007 and broke things off.
To call Nick "perfect" is inaccurate because, of course, no one is perfect. However, Nick was AS CLOSE TO PERFECT as any guy I've ever been with.
In two years, we never argued. He was sweet to my cats (you long time readers know what this does to me). My self-sufficiency did not unnerve or threaten him. No, he wasn't like Michael, who always confronted me for acting too much like I don't "NEED A MAN". Nick was always secure in his manhood and accepting of my independent nature. Unlike most of the men I've poorly selected for myself, he didn't require total submission and unbridled neediness to help him feel more masculine or in control.
Remember how Ms. Magazine put Barack Obama on the cover a few months ago with the headline "THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE!"?
Well, looking back on him and our relationship, I can wholeheartedly say that Nick is definitely a feminist man. He may not even know it, but he totally is. The way he spoke about women and his attitudes and viewpoints were completely an indicator of that.
He supported me as an equal, never tried to place his masculinity above my femininity, and never tried to exert any control over me.
And he was HOT IN THE SACK!
All the things I like in a guy!
The issue though, was distance. 2000 miles is nothing to sneeze at. Between him flying here and me flying there, at best, we saw each other 5-6 times a year.
They were great times but they were few and far between.
We never had the expectation of monogamy either. But even a solitary natured woman like me who LOVES being alone and living by herself has needs. If I'm seeing a guy, I need some "physical interaction" at least every weekend damn!
So, when I met Michael, I broke things off with Nick.
And even though Michael was a bust, I don't regret it. I learned a lot about myself in that relationship.
With Nick though, the distance was just too much and in the end, I didn't WANT to carry on that way. Michael's presence wasn't even the root cause of me ending things with Nick. It was the realization that if I was going to be in a relationship, I wanted it to be with a man who was in the same state or hell, at least the same time zone!
Anyway, now a week before I head back East to be with my family, who do I get an email from?
Yep, Nick!
He knows my routine and that for the past 3 years I have come home in May every single year.
Crazy that he remembers that!
In his email he said he hopes that I am still coming next month and that if I am, he wants to have dinner or get together.
Sweet but ugh...I am all but convinced it won't happen.
Why?
Well...because I don't want to fall back into a long distance relationship with this man who is pretty much perfect for me, that's why!
The reason I broke things off in the first place is because in my heart, I KNEW there was probably no chance of Nick moving here. I never asked him to either.
You see, I moved to AZ because I HATED living back East. I fucking hated it. The rain, the snow and ice, ugh just everything...I hated it with a passion. My job moving all operations here was my best chance to get out and I couldn't NOT take it. Not to mention, the company was footing the bill AND giving me a generous cash bonus in addition.
Also, a select few of my friends/co-workers were offered the opportunity to move here as well so I had the chance to move to a large booming city with beautiful weather and scenery- all expenses paid- AND have my friends along with me for the ride. What else was I going to do?
With Nick though, he already had a stable, high-paying job that he loved and was surrounded by friends, family, and everything he has ever known.
If the tables were turned and he relocated, would I have moved just for him if I was that fulfilled and satisfied with my life? NO WAY.
I would never uproot a great life to chase a man. Never ever. That is just not who I am. There would have to be many other factors to influence me to move across the country. Maybe I'm just not a romantic who will chase love to the ends of the earth but, it is what it is.
Knowing how happy he is in his career and in a city that he loves, surrounded by people he loves, how could I ask him to do that for me? I am a lot of things but I'm no hypocrite. I don't ask for more than what I would ever be willing to give.
So when Michael came along, I let Nick go.
No regrets.
But looking at this email, no desire to repeat history either.
I just can't see myself doing the LD thing again. Endless plane trips, pining for this man half the year, feeling guilty for meeting someone local and wanting to explore the possibilities...
I don't see the point of going through this again only to have the same end result.
The only way I would start up with Nick again is if he were to move to Arizona...any other way will just not work.
Soooo, I don't want to have dinner with him or even see him again. I hope that doesn't sound cruel but I just don't want to look at that face of his and have those familiar feelings bubble up again. I have been on a 5 month long celibacy streak and one sight of Nick will have these panties dropping in NO TIME.
And then what? Come back to the insecure, clingy, controlling assholes I've dealt with here? Try to find a replica of Nick (who is a rare breed already) when I should have just left the past in the past in the first place?
Plus, if I DO see him, it's not going to end in a productive way. It won't just be a fling. He and his golf clubs (he loved to golf at the various courses here) will be on a plane to Arizona by August, I know it! We will be right back in the cycle again.
A dead end, long distance relationship with someone who is THIS right for me is not on my wish list this year.
Yep, I should definitely turn him down.
Right????
Mahogany Misfit - Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 05:13PM - 14 said something... - filed under Dating, Life Issues Email Article 
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Reader Comments (14)
who knows what the future may hold, so in saying that, I would go out to eat with Nick, you don't have to drop ya panties, you held out for 5 months, so with that being said, have dinner with the man, and just enjoy yourself!
I agree with "Thatgirl". You never know what kind of plans Nick has for the future. He wants to see you after you broke up with him which is a sign that he is mature, didn't take it personal, and is still interested in you. Why not just have a meal with him and use your best "panty glue" to keep the drawers on? :-)
He really sounds like a good, good dude and we don't hear this flattery talk about guys often from you LOLOL.
I do understand you wanting to protect your heart and not reapeat old unproductive habits though so I can see your side as well.
Whatever you decide, let us know!
What thatgirl and Kellina said...I don't think it would hurt to just go out for dinner or a drink with the guy. For all you know, he might be willing to move to AZ to be with you. If he's still remembering your routine after all of this time, he may want to take a chance and try to make it work with you. From what you say about Nick, it doesn't sound like is is the type of guy to be looking for a booty call. He sounds like a truly good guy.
Let's put it this way...you can go and see him, and see what happens, or you can refuse to see him, and then spend years wondering what might have happened if you HAD seen him.
I say, take a chance. Good luck!
Puhlease...you know you want to. Go to dinner with the man. And dessert too! Life to too short to play I shoulda coulda woulda. You have fun together, and he's good to you. You deserve it after all the shit you've been through with the Losers in AZ.
If anything, Do it for the sake of the blog :D
I think Nick and you would make a good couple, but someone or both has to sacrifice eventually to make it happen. Maybe you both should move somewhere in the middle, neutral turf.
I wanna hear all about it....of course!
I thought you were about to say he's moving to AZ!
I agree with the posters above. Just have dinner with the man. Doesn't mean you two have to get naked with each other. Meet him at the restuarant and try not to drink too much wine. lol
Upside: You'll have a great dinner, good convo, and reconnect with someone who it sounds like you could be cool with. I mean there is even a possibility of wiping out the cobwebs *lol* i mean nothing wrong with that. No attachments right?
Downside: What if this is like "My Best Friends Wedding" in that he's inviting you to dinner to introduce you to the new FIANCEE' and since you are someone he cares for he just didn't want to tell you in an email or on the phone.
Either way...it has all kinds of possibilities. And you don't have to be in a LD relationship with him even if you guys reconnect.
I'm gonna be the only dissenting voice here but I think your reasoning makes the most sense, Chick. You're just being realistic, you know what you want and don't want, and most of all you asked yourself "What is the point?"
If there is no point in something and you know it, why waste your time?
Nick was the shit :)
While you make ALL kinds of GROWN GIRL sense and I applaud you for it and the progress that you've made.
I MISS THE DAYS OF NICK!!!! Can you please cross your legs real tight and go see him for us please?
Thank you
Sidebar: Have someone meet you at the restaurant just so you don't end up on your back, or stomach, or knees, or whatever else crazy positions you'll used to get into lolol
Lol obviously all of us miss Nick too :)
I will be in the minority here. We get a good "idea" of who you are through your writings, but only YOU know you. If you think it's a bad idea...don't do it! You know what your heart can take. You know what it will take to make the panties drop. You know what you need (i.e. every weekend contact). Sure, we get to enjoy the juicy details but not one of us will have to experience the longing that no amount of phone calls/IM/texts/emails will fix. You will have to do that alone. Don't put yourself in that situation unless you know that you are gonna be okay with the outcome.
I applaud your will power. I know that most of us would have already made the date. Especially with all the toads out there it's hard to let go of Prince Charming even if there is only a possibility that things will work out.
It could all be fate that he contacted you right before you went instead of after you returned. That’s the romantic in me. The realist in me says to go with your gut. I hope you get what you want either way.
I'm with Chloe on this one - and you and I both being Cancers - we know our limits, but that damned emotional side tends to kick in and overrule our good sense, making us second guess ourselves, then we're in trouble all over again! LOL
I am not familiar with your previous blogs, but just from reading what you've written here, Nick sounds like a great guy and a lot like my husband. (Even though hubby and I have had our issues, I wouldn't trade my man for any other in the world!) At any rate, I digress.
Listen to your intuition and go with it, but know that at the same time, it's perfectly ok if you change your mind about meeting Nick. ;)
Hey girl...
...I'll just say, that sometimes there IS harm in having dinner. If there's any hesitation on your part, which clearly there is, don't do it.
Your reasons make absolute sense.
And enjoy your trip to see the fam!
See Nick catch up on what the two of you have been doing since the last time you saw/communicated with one another. just let things flow naturally.... otherwise it will be awkward..... Nothing wrong with two adult friends getting together for dinner and conversation right?