Marriage: My Grandma Says, "Just Say No!"

I wanted to blog about this conversation I had with my maternal grandmother while I was home a few weeks ago, but it sort of slipped my mind UNTIL I found myself reading an article over at Clutch Mag today entitled "Put A Ring On It, Already".

The article details the author's longing for a wedding ring and if you scroll down to the comments you'll see I was a bit pained by what I was reading and also just the general high value a lot of women place on marriage, when scientifically there is little proof women as a whole benefit from it.

I stated the following:

"This post sort of made me sad. Admittedly I am a thankfully single girl not even remotely interested in marriage so maybe I’m biased. But it pains me to see women hurting for a ring. I can’t tell you how much information I’ve read about the benefits of marriage- TO MEN!

Married men live an average of seven years longer than their single counterparts and are in better health, married men report higher levels of happiness than their single counterparts AND married women, married men are more likely than married women to report that their spouse is their best friend (probably because women have closer emotional bonds with other women?), married men make MAKE MORE MONEY. Ugh it kills me LOL!

The last study I read stated that married women live an average of 2 years longer than single women, but other than that, no similar benefits for women have been proven. As far as health goes, married women are shown not to benefit from any marriage that isn’t a “happy” marriage (women in unhappy marriages actually have more health problems and more instances of heart related illnesses), while men experience health benefits from marriage IN ANY FORM - happy or unhappy.

Also the fact still remains that two-thirds of the divorces in this country are filed by women. Almost 70%!

Knowing all of this, basic common sense tells me that MEN should be the ones beating down the doors of WOMEN in desperate need of marriage...after all, study after study indicates that their lives are more enriched by this union than ours and it manifests itself in their health, their life spans, and even their incomes.

All I can say is...ladies, know your worth.

*sigh*"

An insightful commenter responded with facts about how marriage benefits children and I'm gonna be honest, as a feminist and person who will never have kids, I understand this but in my mind, it comes second to my primary concern, which is the interest of women. I've said it here before...I love women! And it pisses me off a little to see that everyone else's progress in life (specifically that of men and children) may often come at the expense of women's well-being and happiness.

Anyway, on to the convo with my grandma.

I took her out to our favorite ice cream shoppe (the one she used to take me to as a child) and we talked about my life. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was done dating for the foreseeable future and have next to no desire for marriage.

Do you know what she said to me? "Lynn (she always calls me by my middle name), if I was in your shoes 40 years ago...smart, successful, attractive, INDEPENDENT, no kids...I would have never, ever gotten married. Back then though, it wasn't a "choice". It was what we did. But nowadays...I don't understand why so many women are hard up for a man. Hung up on getting married. For what? To take care of a man their whole life and have nothing to show for it? Lynn, you have EVERYTHING. Stay the way you are. Enjoy that good job, do things with your girlfriends, take vacations, enjoy your freedom. Don't get married and sacrifice your life for a husband and kids."

*Insert image of me with a dropped jaw*

My grandma said things to me I have never heard her say before...she kept it real with me on a level that I never expected. She has spent her entire life doing and being everything to everyone and getting very little in return. I think she has a lot of regrets. After 40 some years of marriage, my grandpa is dependent upon her for everything.

Like most marriages, the balance between their respective duties has never been equal. He worked a job, and she worked a job...and did everything else too. She has always done more. It's a running theme in the lives of many, if not most married women. Grandpa's health is great and he's happy as a clam ALL THE TIME! Life has been very good to him. My grandma however, is in poor physical health, has suffered from depression, and is perpetually annoyed with him. I can't tell you how many other women in my family are experiencing EXACTLY THE SAME THING. The married men in my family appear to be flourishing but the married women, well...not so much.

It makes me mad and sad all at the same time.

I know this is not *every* woman's experience, but I am hard pressed to believe that it isn't the truth for a great deal of them, IF NOT THE MAJORITY. Those who got married, had kids, and left everything else behind while everyone benefited but them.

Yes, I believe some people have happy marriages and SOME women can be better off physically and emotionally in a marriage. But I am a person who gives marriage the side-eye in general and think this is probably the exception and not the rule.

Call me crazy and cynical if you like, I can only observe what I see around me (and read the stat about women filing for nearly 70% of all divorces) and go off of that.

Now, I want to know what you guys are thinking. This blog allows all comments and I hope SOMEONE who is married will come here and speak from personal experience about this....Married women, do you FEEL being married has enriched your life? Absent of what it does for your kids (if you have any), do you believe your life is better or do you think marriage has done little but add to your stress and unhappiness? (I am wondering if anyone will answer something this personal but I'll ask anyway and cross my fingers.)

With all of the facts we can easily access about marriage and how little we seem get out of it, why do women want to get married at all? Forget kids for a second...just throw out some ideas. Is it the societal messages that we're undesirable spinsters of we don't? Is it simply for the hoopla of a wedding? If we are the ones looking to divorce 70% of the time, what does this say about our reality inside of marriage versus our fantasy of what marriage will be?

And where in the world are the single women who, like me, could give a damn about marriage and are unconvinced that being in a lawful union with a man will change their lives for the better? Any other non-believers out here or am I allllllll alone? And if you're a single, childless woman but not a "non-believer", what specifically about marriage is attractive to you? Does seeing all of the "facts" make you think that this may not necessarily lead to you living YOUR best life? (sorry Oprah)

SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!

Comments

[Tessa]

Having been there and done that I can tell you right now that I'm in no rush to do it again. My boyfriend of 3 years who I love to death, mentioned moving in together in December I swear my heart stopped way longer than it should have.

I LOVE my life the way it is. I have someone to vaca with when my girls are not available, good sex, someone to take care of me when I'm sick BUT no cleaning up after anyone, no coming home and HAVING to cook, clean etc. You go to your place and I'll go in mine. I try to tell these younger girls that all the time but they don't want to listen so I say let them learn for themselves

(all this sentiment from a wedding planner lololol) Hey I say everyone should try it at least once lol

[VLM]

I'm married, and Sexpot, you know a bit about my personal situation, so I will not lie - being married has added to most of the stress and unhappiness that I have had in my life up to this point.

I remember being single and not being so stressed out about money, sex, family and life in general. Now, it seems to be the opposite. I have to worry about not only me, though I am making a better effort to put myself first, but my husband and his needs and getting up in the morning to make breakfast, wash dishes, wash clothes, his friends, his family, bills, etc. I also manage the finances in the household, and when he wants to buy something and I say we can't afford to buy it right now, who do you think he gets mad at? (This happened tonight actually!) My life seemed a lot more carefree and easy when I was single - except or dating, of course. Dating for me SUCKED, but I won't get into that right now. LOL

I do feel that he is benefiting from the marriage more than I am. When we first got married, people he would run across who had not seen him for a while would tell him "Wow, man! You look great! Marriage is doing you good!" I never heard that ONCE from anyone after I got married. In fact, throughout the course of my marriage, I've gained the most amount of weight I ever have in my entire life and so far have only lost about 20 pounds of it!

Even with all that, I truly do love my husband. I feel he is my best friend, and I couldn't have imagined marrying someone else. However, in hindsight, maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to jump the broom and if we were to ever divorce or, God forbid, something happened to him, I would NEVER get married again. Once is enough!

[Mahogany Misfit]

Tessa- I love that you keep it so real. Your comment resonates with me so much because I felt exactly the way you did back when I was with Michael and he suggested we move in together. I almost puked! And this is coming from a woman who has never cohabited in her life but shit, I didn't like him spending the night more than twice a week so you know shacking up was out of the question!! God, this is one of the things that would be a tremendous hurdle for me if I were to ever seriously consider marriage-LIVING WITH A MAN. I DO NOT WANT TO EVER. I feel like I don't need to try it to know that it will suck. ROFL!

Anyway, it almost doesn't surprise me that these women you are warning aren't heeding your advice. We truly do live in a world where people turn away from the hardships of others. Especially if that truth isn't convenient to their agenda. Everyone thinks *they* are special and their life will magically be different and they don't prepare themselves for any other outcome. Let them see for themselves, I'll sit here and just watch!

VLM- Yes girl, we have talked about it and I so appreciate your honesty here. I know things have been hard for you....just know that I adore and admire you and you can drop me a line any time!

Reading about all you do in your marriage is positively overwhelming, I can't front at all...those are all of the things my mother and grandmothers and aunts do for their husbands. They keep EVERYTHING in the whole household functioning. If they didn't it would ALL fall apart. It makes me so angry. You know us Cancers get upset easily LOL. It really does make me crazy knowing these things but hey, the truth hurts I guess. I relate to what you said about not getting married again too because I have heard that from soooo many other women!

It is not HARD at all to understand why most women do NOT remarry after a divorce, while men generally remarry in large numbers. Men need to replace the wife and have that care-taker back! Isn't that telling....they had a taste of being taken care of in a marriage and are anxious to repeat it while women have had a taste and are not anxious to order that dish ever again! SMH!

[Vixen]

Being married sucks for women...but having children? That sucks worse!

It's totally a societal expectation, and some cultures are more Marriage Minded than others. I think every woman should evaluate the benefits to her BEFORE she decides that she wants to get married and make an educated choice on the guy. A marriage that is equitable, in which both partners are benefiting is ideal. The woman can get a best friend, cheerleader squad and support system all rolled in one if she chooses a mate appropriately. It's choosing the wrong person that gets you totally fried.

If both parties see marriage as a partnership, and make concerted efforts to seek the happiness of the other person, then it could indeed be a beautiful thing. I have my parents to thank for this example. Most people don't achieve that kind of happiness or success, mainly because humans are inherently selfish.

I don't think that choosing to stay happily single is a choice that should be defended at all. It's your life, and you should live it how you choose. Just because people put their own little comments and thoughts on it, doesn't give them the right. It's the same thing with breeders...they want everyone to be as 'miserable' as they are.

[VLM]

Thanks Sexpot! I appreciate your being there for me, and I will be dropping you a line soon. :)

I should add that, most of the time, hubby does his share of the chores around the house (and sometimes, he does more than I do in general!), but I still think he is getting the better deal out of this marriage than I. LOL It seems when a guy gets married, all of his needs are taken care of, which is why he probably is healthier and lives longer, while most of us women have to hustle to keep the household together, with or without kids. I know for a fact that things would fall apart or the finances would get totally fucked up if I didn't tend to it.

Like I wrote, looking back on it, my husband and I probably should have waited for a while, but because we wanted to be together and felt we couldn't shack up (we were into the church then), we went ahead and did it.

I, too, advise younger women either not to get married at all or, if that's what they really want, at least not to rush into it!

[thoughtsofsoutherngal]

I wrote a post awhile back about why women are stressing themselves out about marriage. Would I like to get married oneday? Sure Will I be sad if I never do? Hell nawl. If I do I do. If I don't, I don't. It's just not that serious to me. But I've come across women who constantly talk about needing and wanting to be married.

[Serafina]

I'm a happily married woman. And when I say "happily" I mean that in the fullest sense of the word. I can't even begin to tell you how much better my life is with my husband in it. Don't get me wrong: when I was single, I was perfectly happy with who I was, I was thankful for my family, I loved my friends and I had a pretty kick ass life. However, and this is for me personally, I got to a point where I felt like I was ready to love someone and I also felt ready to be loved. I think that's what made all the difference in the world for me. I was completely happy to begin with, so sharing my life with someone just added more happiness to my already wonderful life.

It really saddens me to know that this is not the case for the majority of women out there.

Also, I was not always like this. I was in an awful relationship for four years that left me drained. I was in a very unhappy place. When I broke it off I was so scared that there was something wrong with me and that I was incapable of having a healthy relationship. But time, loving family and dear friends helped me heal and grow into a much stronger person. My husband and I feel very fortunate to have the other and we strive every day to grow in our love and to not take each other for granted. But it doesn't feel like hard work, because when two people are in the right place in their hearts and minds, then love isn't hard work.

I hope more women are able to be happy: firstly with themselves and if the opportunity presents itself, with someone they'd like to share their life with. I don't think all women should get married. Just as I don't think all women should have children. I am definitely childfree for life! It has to start with inner happiness. Because how can you be in a healthy relationship if you firstly don't know how to take care of yourself?

P.S. My husband and I just bought a home in central Phoenix! We're moving to the valley! We should hang out. :)

[Kellina]

I am single but in a relationship and undecided on marriage (leaning toward not interested) . I think lots of women want to get married for the reasons you stated, society tells us too and the fantasy wedding is sold to us beginning at age 6.

All the stuff mentioned about how much men get out of marriage compared to us is not surprising either. The marriages in my family are this way too. The men work and bring not much else to the table. Minor stuff with the kids, minor contribution to how the household runs. The women sacrifice the most of their time working in the house, out of the house, in the house some more, etc. Women file for divorce in such high numbers because think about it- if you are carrying basically the whole load by ya damn self anyway, juggling work, kids, & nearly all the home duties too- WHY DO YOU NEED A HUSBAND?

The answer seems to be that you don't. And that's why more women file for divorce then men.

All this stuff about marriage being a 50/50 partnership is pretty much the biggest farce ever created. For most people it is no way in hell a 50/50. Maybe 70/30 on average for the LUCKY wives.

[Mahogany Misfit]

Serafina- I'm glad to hear it's working out for someone! Honestly, I used to have this idea that Childfree marriages are happier and that I could possibly have a happy marriage without all the stress and woes children bring. However, getting to know VLM changed that assumption for me, as did reflecting on my own difficult relationships with men.

I know of ONE other married woman who is happy in her marriage the way you are...she also stresses that being married shouldn't be "hard work". Maybe that is true, I sort of doubt I will ever find out because well, I don't wanna LOL. But I'm glad you could share your success story!

Anyway OMG when are you moving here? YES we do need to hang out. I was JUST lamenting my lack of childfree friends and being all annoyed at everyone for procreating the other day! We should get together when you're all settled, I'm excited!

Kellina- I don't disagree with you. I also believe that is the main reason women file for divorce in the majority of cases. Uneven work load and the realization that yes, it will likely always be unequal and keeping the husband means resigning yourself to that reality and allowing him to be a continued dead weight in the marriage. If I were in that position, I wouldn't stick around for it either.

[blujewel]

Having both lived with a man and been married, I'm in no rush to do either again. Being feline natured and territorial, I'm not sure how sharing my space would serve me well. I recently had house guests and Lil Lady and I damn near lost our respective minds and they were female guests. Having a man around with his own tendencies and such would be a major adjustment and one that I'm not ready to engage in. Furthermore, there's so much that comes with living with a man and being the caring and nurturing person that I am, I'd be giving up a lot right now and I'm so not ready to do that yet. I'm happily single and enjoying my life as I deem fit to.

Marriage can be good or bad depending on what your expectations are. Mostly marriage changes HER last name and HER life while his not so much. Women need to stop yeilding to societal dictates and explore their lives fully before pining for something that might not even be in their best interest.

Love to live; live to love!

[Special Guest]

Marriage is only beneficial to men if you marry the right woman. I was with the "wrong" woman for less than a year but it has taken me almost one year to recover financially and personally. A bad marriage reeks havoc for both genders if you are with a person who is only out for their own ends.

I have also come to the realization that messy as I am as a man, I am proud of my own space,my own life and my own time. There are single men out there who do not need a woman to mother them and tend to their every need, that is one thing that the researchers out there neglect to tell people.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to be happy by your lonesome.....

[Mahogany Misfit]

Hey Special Guest!

I agree with you in the aspect that there are most definitely exceptions to this rule. No way do I think every man benefits from every marriage. That would be a silly assumption to make. However, speaking to the average, "run of the mill", marriage which is what most people seem to have, everything out here shows us that men benefit exponentially more than women.

Anyway I'm glad to hear you're happily single now and I fully, FULLY relate ;-)

[Mahogany Misfit]

Blu-

I am with you on sharing space, we are a lot alike (feline natured, territorial). I don't enjoy living with ANYONE period. I had roommates in college and hated the lack of privacy and dealing with the mess of other people.

Anyway don't even get me STARTED on the whole changing of the last name thing. That subject makes me positively nuts.

Maybe I'll do a post about it soon. ;-)