Cohabitation Without Masturbation?
For any of my readers who have ever shacked up or been married, what is the proper etiquette regarding whacking off in a relationship?
I inquire because I was over at Slate today and came across a letter written by a married man whose wife is perturbed by his endless jacking off, and since I've never cohabited (and don't plan to in this lifetime!!!), I'm in need of some insight.
First though, here's the letter:
Dear Prudence,
I have been married for seven years, but I am still troubled by how to speak openly about masturbation with my spouse. I masturbate pretty much every morning after getting up and every evening before I go to bed, unless I think my wife and I will make love. The problem is that my wife sees my masturbation as a declaration that she does not please me, which is not true. I enjoy our lovemaking, and I'd prefer to make love to her as often as I masturbate; she's simply not interested in doing it that often. (Believe me, I've tried.) Moreover, she complains that I "take too long" and says she would be more willing if I were "normal" and didn't last so long. My wife also has suggested there is something wrong with me for wanting to make love or masturbate as often as I do. I accept that I'll never be able to make love to my wife as often as I would like, but how do I convey to her that masturbation is normal and that she shouldn't see it as evidence that she's inadequate?
—Illicit Self-Lover
Is there something wrong with this picture other than the fact that this couple seems to be mismatched with regard to sexual appetite? And since they don't seem fully compatible in that regard, is it really WRONG for him to be spanking it twice a day?
Personally speaking, I have never been on a hiatus from masturbating- not even in relationships! I always get in some "me time" regardless of how active my sex life is. It's normal behavior as far as I'm concerned...right?
I specifically remember my ex being QUITE the masturbator as well. We always discussed the fact that we masturbated in each other's absence!
Maybe though, the absence part is what made it acceptable? Who knows if he would have taken so kindly to my close relationship with my Hitachi Magic Wand had we lived together.
*Me + Hitachi = 
Ahem, and on the flip side, who knows if I would have been thrilled about his constant flings with his fleshlight!
I mean sure, I LOVE the idea of men touching themselves (and sometimes I watch it on the internet via xtube.com and share the videos with my girlfriends, shhhhh!) but maybe being around it all the time would start to annoy me?
I kinda doubt it but who knows.
And again since I have no experience living with a partner, I can only hypothesize.
Does anyone with some experience want to school me on the protocol of masturbation during cohabitation? Must it be done without the other partner's awareness so as not to offend them? Have any of you caught a partner in the act of stroking? Would it piss you off if you did? If so, why?
Are people allowed to masturbate in relationships or what?!?!?!
Mahogany Misfit - Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 08:36PM - 9 said something... - filed under Ready, Set, Masturbate! Email Article 
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Reader Comments (9)
Is it me or is masturbating two times per day excessive? That's the problem I would have with this guy. I don't think doing it every now and again is a problem in a relationship but damn 2x a day? that's 14 times a week!
I disagree Kellina. Some people just have a big appetite, shit some folks have sex just as often.
While I can't speak on their situation (I think she has her own issues - telling her husband to hurry up smh), I've been married and I've shacked up and I never stopped masturbating, sometimes alone, sometimes when I know he was about to come in. I know that my husband would masturbate too, even though we had a very active sex life.
I do remember right after I had my daughter, it would bother me when he did it, but at that time I was not feeling the least bit sexy or desirable, but that was my issue. Once I got my "sexy" back everything went back to normal, if I caught him I would ask if I can join or may tease him a bit lol. Damn I can even remember masturbating right in the bed with my husband sleep please lol I think you just have to know who you're dealing with, in regards to doing it in private or out in the open
Alls fair...really I think the problem these two have is that they are mismatched in their 'needs'...he clearly isnt having his needs met...she isnt trying to see it from his side, and there the divide begins...I love Tessa's reply!
Kellina- I don't think it's excessive at all. Perhaps if it was like 4 times a day I would but once in the AM, once a night seems ok to me!
Tessa-THIS is why I love you. You are totally comfortable keeping it real! I agree as far as this wife having some issues. Telling someone to "hurry up" during a sex act is the most tasteless, offensive thing ever. I'd be really upset if that happened to me.
LaDivaLatina- Hi! I agree, not only are they mismatched but the wife is inconsiderate as hell. I kinda feel for this guy but it also makes me wonder what else is going on in the relationship. Hmm...
I dont think there is anything wrong with masturbating while in a relationship/cohabiting but I think it's something that can be "me" time and something worked into their sex life... esp. in their case. She could always help out or take over and have it lead to more sex @ least thats what the inner sex therapist in me would say. Besides the fact that they need to find out why she is so disinterested in as much sex/masturbation as he is....
I've actually met women who don't masturbate because they think that would mean betraying their boyfriends, or because they think it's disgusting, but I can't imagine they'd be much fun to date. Masturbation is perfectly normal and whatever the sexual drive of the people involved in a relationship - some people just have low sex drives - the idea that someone has the right to control whether or not their partner masturbates is just disturbing. I like to exercise with my boyfriend, but I also sometimes like to go running or weight lifting alone, and I'm not betraying him then. Why would it be any different if I want to strum the banjo a little?
The wife seems a little defensive. If she doesn't enjoy sex to the extent where she's telling him to hurry up (dubbul-yew-tee-eff?), and either doesn't know or care enough to show him how to make it more fun for her, then maybe she's worried that he might go elsewhere, and the issues on masturbation are an extension of that. Or maybe sex just disgusts her. Whatever. I sometimes like to play armchair psychologist.
There are some people who are just very uncomfortable with their sexuality, maybe because of how they were raised, or some other issue. We don't know if this wife is one of those people or not. If she is, then this guy probably knew that before they were married.
If their sexual mismatch is because of relationship issues, he needs to work on THOSE in counseling with her. Many, many women lose their desires for their husbands because the husband's bullshit behavior accumulates over the years. Who wants to sleep with someone who treats you like shit? This guy could be telling .23 percent of the whole story. No one thinks of themselves as an asshole. He could be verbally or emotionally abusing her and no way would that make it into his letter. Who knows.
I don't think 2x a day (am and pm) is excessive (hell, that's what I do on weekends) but then again I am a woman. Women's sexual performance isn't heightened or decreased based on how much they've stored up. This guy might be banging away at his wife for hours at a time BECAUSE he's always running on E.
For most people, masturbation is a healthy way of expressing their sexuality. It eases tension, relaxes you, floods you with happy hormones, helps you sleep, and burns calories. I have both cohabitated and been married (same guy, the sex was shitty). I would absolutely not attempt in any way to control my partner's sexuality, as long as I was satisfied sexually. Neither person should have a say about the other's masturbatory habits as long as their mutual sex life is healthy and happy.
I find twice a day EVERY day to be a bit excessive. I think its a problem only cause its affecting their marriage.
My ex choked his chicken all the damn time and it bothered the hell out of me. I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy him cause his hands were always in his pants and it wreaked a bit of havoc in our relationship because we could never come to any reasonable compromise. We could get busy 2x a day and he would still wanna play Solitaire. I am all for masturbation, I self pleasure when I feel the need whether alone or with my man but excessive (based on my own opinion of what that is) would bother me.
Hell, I can't even masturbate in peace because he wants to watch. I let him. Some of us having bigger sexual appetites such as myself. I can have great sex but once he's exhausted and men will get to the point where they can not get it up anymore. I have the right to full satisfaction..
People especially women take it as a personal attack. It has NOTHING to do with you. Everyone needs some "ME" time and maybe if you took time to love yourself you would not be so damn offended because he needed to get off without. It's better than cheating.