Apparently, I Reside Some Place Other Than "The Real World"
Did anyone else know that when you make a nice, uncomplicated, peaceful life for yourself, you are "not living in the real world"?
Ha, me either!
But after a riveting conversation with a friend today, I now see the error of my ways.
By refusing to make babies, buy a house, and settle down with a husband, I have been avoiding "life in the real world".
A little background...all of my Black, female friends who live here in AZ are married with kids. I have ONE single, childfree friend here who is White, and several other single, childfree friends scattered around the country who I don't often see. The bottom line is, I am the ONLY Black woman I know in a thousand mile radius who is single and childfree by choice.
Sorry state of affairs, I know.
In any case, this means that whenever I try to coordinate an "urban" outing with a group of friends, it takes a ridiculous amount of planning and advance notice. And even THEN, it's not guaranteed that these people won't flake out because after all, they have kids and husbands they spend their lives catering to.
So, when I heard last month that Maxwell was going to be performing in Phoenix at the end of June, I frantically texted all my girls telling them that this was a "code red emergency" (I looooooove Maxwell!) and we all needed to do our best to attend the concert.
I scanned through the ticket prices and figured $63 for THE BEST seats ($79 total with taxes and shit) was a bargain and I think the fact that I thought it was a bargain pissed ALL of them off.
These were the responses I got:
Friend #1- "Girl do you know how much my kid's school tuition is???? I can't pay $80 to go to a goddamn concert!"
(I thought school was out but um ok)
Friend #2- "$80?????? I have two kids in daycare! That shit is high as hell!"
Friend #3- I don't know why you are even asking me about this with that high ass ticket price girl. I am paying for my son and daughter to go to summer camp, it is not cheap. No way in hell.
Friend # 1 again- "Did you not know ______'s daughter wrecked her car and the deductible is $1000? I'm telling you right now she is not going to pay $80 for this! You need to look for the cheapest tickets available!"
Jeez bitches, excuse the fuck outta me! See how angry these fuckers are?
This is what happens when you are single and childfree and most of your friends are not. If you neglect to tell them about an event and go without them, it pisses them off. If you tell them about an event and they don't have the money to go, it pisses them off.
YOU CANNOT WIN.
Mind you, this is in addition to friend #1 being pissy with me about my upcoming trip to Turks & Caicos. I invited her to come and what I got in return was "hmph I have a kid in college and one in high school, both who suck up my every dime and hubby's every dime. I definitely can't go anywhere this year."
I told her I understood and told her maybe she could save up and take a trip with me next year (I'm planning to go to either Spain or Greece). Well, guess what she said to me?
"Must be nice for you to be able to travel every year, but I live in the real world with a husband, a house, kids and bills. I will never be able to save up enough money to go anywhere at this rate. Have fun."
*Spoken in the most sarcastic voice EVER*
Wow. Am I wrong to be offended here?
You know something? The last time I checked I had bills too! And a job to be at every day. And a father who just had his 2nd hip replacement, to whom I send money every single month.
But since I am PURPOSELY free of a husband and expensive ass, motherfucking kids, I don't live in "the real world".
What the shit?
This really pissed me the hell off but I am trying my best not to get further riled up about it. We've been friends for 7 years now, she is obviously going through a rough patch, and maybe I need to let this one slide.
Maybe.
Ugh. I just want my audience to know that managing not to get knocked up, staying single, and having the budget to go places means you don't live in the real world, I hope you all realize that!
Mahogany Misfit - Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 05:06PM - 14 said something... - filed under Childfree POV, Me Bitching and Ranting Email Article 
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Reader Comments (14)
You have every right to be offended at your friends' snide comments, like you aren't grown or mature unless you're married w/children, and like you're supposed to feel sorry for them or something because they chose to take on that burden called parenthood. BED.MADE.LIE!! I'm married, but my husband has a life and friends and also understands the need for me to have the same, and I choose not to have a child - so does that make me less mature? I think NOT!
Your friends would be best served if they stopped complaining and acting envious of you and decided to at least try to save up for something special instead of focusing all their time, money and energy on their brats. Then, when they're invited to do something, like go to a concert or take a trip, they won't bitch and moan, but could actually participate. UGH! Misery loves company, indeed!
Don't even get me started on trying to find a CF Sista with the same interests as I. I have one black friend here who has no kids, but I think she's more childless than CF, and because of her schedule, she and I don't see each other that often. We chat online more than go out, but when she and I can get together, we do have a good time at least. I have three other CF associates/friends; two live here, but we don't get together regularly, and one lives in a different state than I. It would be nice to have at least one or two close CF friends with whom I hang out with regularly instead of sporadic hookups as I do now.
You know, hubby and I want to move to a different state within the next year or two. Maybe we should consider making a move out west to AZ. You know you'd have a travel/concert/hang out/workout buddy in me. ;)
LMAO!!! Sounds like friend #1 especially is sipping hard on some HATERADE lolol. It must be extremely hard being the only one "chilling", but for the sake of the friendship think how hard it is for her looking at you live it up while she's stuck with all her responsibilities. I know I know she made that choice lol
I can understand not being able to do stuff, I went thru that period for about 2 years after my divorce, but what I don't understand is why are they sounding so bitter. Well I do understand, but why is it directed at you?
Sounds like they let their feet sink deep into the shit bucket of life. Girl do you screw them, get the best seat at Maxwell and come back with the best tan. Oh shit that might make them hate on you more lolol
Tell those chicks to start a vacation club or something, $20/$50 a week goes a long way and sign up for travel special alerts, its FREE DAMN!! I cut out get my nails perfessionally done and packing lunch to save for my trips, you have to make some sort of sacrifice. After the divorce it was a p/t job, but I was able to do me. I think what she said was a little harsh, but I would leave it alone and make NO apologies for what YOU CAN DO
BTW I was just looking at hotels in T & C today to run away with my mini me for 5 days in August. If you're heading out before then let me know how it was
Ugh...your friends sound like some of my friends. Why is it that people with kids expect us to cater to them? It's not my fault that you got knocked up again for like the 7th time with a child of your 5th baby daddy (this is someone i really know). I wish i lived in AZ, I would rock with you girl....Maxwell is the best. Unfortch, he's not coming to my neck of the woods for a long ass time. !
VLM- I know! I love how- according to her- my life is trivial and "not real" because I haven't saddled myself with a thousand obligations that eat away at my income, time, freedom, and choices in life. SO SORRY!
P.S.- I would love to have you as a neighbor and love the idea of you moving here...I would welcome your ass to town with open arms! But you knew that. ;-)
Tessa- ROFL @ "Sounds like they let their feet sink deep into the shit bucket of life."
HEE-LARIOUS!
But yeah, she is hitting the hater pipe with a vengeance. I do *understand* that it may be tough for her to see me doing the things I'm now able to do when she can't, but I am not going to be remorseful over my lifestyle.
I was underpaid and climbed the ladder for most of my twenties and I went through A LOT of shit. Thankfully, I am now enjoying my life and able to do the things I want to do. I shouldn't be made to feel bad about that. I don't lord my shit over her and intentionally make her feel shitty because she has less options. Why she thinks it's ok to do it to me is puzzling.
The worst part of this is, she made it sound positively IMPOSSIBLE for her to plan a trip for NEXT FUCKING FALL. More than a year away! Like you said, what about saving a little bit of money every paycheck and making sacrifices? She lives in a 2 income household, their home is modest, granted I don't know how in debt they are but is it REALLY unfeasible? Like really?
Anyway, hotels in turks (I'm not going until November)....I have so far narrowed my choices down to The Alexandra Resort, The Sibonne Beach Hotel, and The Sands at Grace Bay. You'll have to let me know where you ended up staying!!! I'm excited for you.
Oh and don't worry about me enjoying this concert because I bought myself a stellar seat. Fuck the girls, they're gonna have to miss this one. Anyway- I CANNOT WAIT, MY SEAT IS SO CLOSE TO THE STAGE I WILL GET TO FEEL HIS BREATH ON MY FACE AS HE SERENADES ME.
God I am such a Maxwell groupie.
Vixen- OMG 5 baby daddies ICK. How can you bareback it with that many people. Ugh people like that need to be constantly hooked up to an IV drip of birth control.
But yeah I don't know why I have to be suffering the same misfortunes as every childed person I know in order to live a legitimate, "real life". I struggled for the better part of 10 years on my own and they know this! Yes, that is normal for people in their twenties but damn, I finally made a come up, don't hate, congratulate bitches!
You should come for a visit sometime...all these years we have 'known' each other...we would have so much fun together!
Woaw, reading this post of yours really made my day! The question is out of here, finally ! It's a bit weird actually, because I've been feeling this attitude in lots of people around me for a couple years now, basically since I've begun enjoying my life. But I couldn't really figure out what the exact problem was.
Some background on me (a bit similar to the CF girls above) : after high school, I've being wandering in circles and giving thought on what I wanted to do, to be, and took the decisions to make *my* perfect life happen.
The basics of this life involve renting a flat (I don't want to settle down, my 10 years+ BF either) and having a long-term work contract (but with the most amazing boss I ever had and that I looove). On top of that, add the usual tv, phone and so-on invoices, taking good care of our sweeet cat, spending time with the Man, visiting family and friends, and after the usual bullshit is done, what is remaining ? Time for myself. It includes working on my arts projects and this year, getting a nice bike license (yaayy ^^), training every other day in order to run a marathon in 2010 and spending 2 weeks of wonderful holidays with my BF, among other things. I don't know how other people can just be happy with ONLY "sacrificing" themselves to their family and thus never having free time. My family behave a bit like that (the part that likes life the prehistoric way, haha). They keep asking me about when I'll be buying a place, though there is absolutely nooo way I would do this in the country I currently live in; plus they intend me to settle down not far from them, though I want to go around the world and often mentions that. Don't they have ears ? And then there is the question of buying a car, though I don't need one...
It's like the freedom I seek and now can afford is too much to handle for them. Of course, they are not mean to me. But I sense a difference. it's like they are waiting for me to take the same path they did. Like I don't have a purpose in their world yet, like i'm not complete.
People get stuck in schemes sometimes, I wonder if they really gave good thought on their "life plans". Of course, predictability has its limitations, but you should be able to LEAD your life and not just bear it. If I had kids, I would make some changes to my way of life in order to include the brats and keep on enjoying my stuff. I chose the cat, haha!
If raising one's kids is so fulfilling, how come the parents are so bitter ? If I had to cut my holidays in order to pay the vet because my cat got sick, I would be HAPPY to do it and I wouldn't throw my bitterness at my friend's face. I would enjoy extra time with the furball and save my 20€ a week for the following year.
oh my, what a rant ! i hope i didn't kill you out of boredom
Ahh yes, there's nothing my partner hates more than when our friends with kids try and blow off our experiences by saying that we don't know what life is like until we have kids. or that we can't possibly know what love is until we have kids.
Let me say this. I know exactly what life is like for folks with kids and its the exact reason why I don't have any!
Besides the factor that I'm not coming anywhere near sperm in my sexual life (lesbians rock!) I don't want anyone sucking my wallet dry. I don't need or want a dependent. And like you, I want to be able to go wherever I want when I want without having to plan 50 ways from sunday. Nope don't need it.
For example, my 9 year anniversary is today. We're doing a trip in the next week....pretty spur of the moment. We only planned a lil bit to make it work.
Sometimes I honestly think all that hating is about them looking at their marriage and kids and thinking, "why the fuck did I do this?" I know you don't feel a longing for their lives but I bet they feel a longing for your child free one!
Looks like you need to find some cool ass child free friends. *lol*
I hate that shit, too - the way some people act as if my time, space and resources are either less valuable or worthy than theirs OR it seems as if I have an EXPONENTIAL, INFINITE amount of all of these since I am CF. Some people really just LOVE TO WORK YOUR NERVES! UGH!!
Girrrlll... Lord knows I need a good CF Sista-friend to get into trouble with. LOL I'll have to put the thought of moving out West into hubby's head and seeing where it lands. LOL :)
@ P.S. - YES, I do know that!! :)
ROTF! That former friend of mine in Chicago needs an IV drip of B.C...for real! She's got four kids by four different men. Actually, she got pregnant last year and had a miscarriage (before I stopped talking to her), so she may have had another kid or two by now! Oy vey.....
Lulugirl - May I hijack this blog to mention that YOU ROCK! My family has treated me differently from my older sister since we were kids, and the fact that everyone has a kid or kids except me and an aunt (who also favors my older sister), makes me stand out even more. I have myself, my husband and kitty, and that's my immediate, immediate family, and that's all I need. The fact that I do have more time for myself, my life and my husband is probably something they can't understand. You would think that, because my aunt is also CF and sterilized that she would get me, and we'd be closer, but it's just not nor will it ever be that way.
Lulugirl- THIS statement of yours: "Like I don't have a purpose in their world yet, like i'm not complete" really resonates with me. I sense that from people sometimes too. Luckily my family is TOTALLY cool with me not having kids. My grandmothers (maternal and paternal) both think it's great, and my parents support the choice as well. I am really lucky in that regard, I know a lot of CF people are pressured by family to procreate.
Studpoet- I DO need some cool as CF friends dammit. I am so sick of being the minority. This is why I have decided that I am done making friends with people whose lifestyles are so divergent from mine. Obviously, I will still deal with my current friends but I'm not going to acquire new friends who are parents. 1.) I am already outnumbered by friends who have kids and 2.) Our lifestyles are simply too different and friendships don't flourish under those circumstances. I have enough childed friends to know this.
And yeah I don't have to have children to know TO THE LETTER exactly how it is. A million different mommy duties and an unpredictable amount of financial, emotional, and mental stress. Like you, this is precisely the reason I have ZERO. Other people can choose their choice, I have chosen mine.
A million congrats on your 9 year anniversary, that is truly amazing.
VLM- Well you have that conversation with him and keep me posted! Haha.
The friends you have are awfully snappy. Guess parenthood could be to blame for that but man, still jarring to read how they speak to you as if you are clueless when it's their limits getting in the way, NOT YOURS.
I don't blame you MM, why make friends with more parents? So you can hear more whining about how much day care is and how school tuition is so high? We all have problems and like our friends to lend an ear but it seems that people with kids always seem to need our ear more than we need theirs. If it isn't one thing, it's ten others. It's tiring and we as childfree will never relate or envy their position. They however are very likely to envy ours (every parent in the world hates parenthood at one point or another, nobody can convince me otherwise) and that's what causes the friction.
I think your friend is kind of salty that life, at least financially. is not working out the way she planned but that's neither here nor there OR your fault. There's a way of letting your opinion or state of mind on things be known without being rude acting an ass and having tact. She get's a F for effort AND execution.
I applaud you in keeping your cool though, it makes no sense to tell ppl about an event and they have every excuse to NOT go to a concert or a trip then ok cool, but don't knock the friend that's telling you about it or offering to accommodate your financial situation for the future
Wow! Really? I think I'd rather live in your world than the alleged "Real World". Yes, I've been married and I have a child, but I chose to end the marriage that was toxic and would cause more pain than good over time. I chose to have a child and I also chose to permanently assure that I couldn't have anymore. I think both of those are mature and healthy decisions. Societal dictates are bullshit sandwiches feed to us to turn us into sheep and not wolves. That bridge in Brooklyn ain't for sale and even if it was, I don't have that much cash.
I went through so much questioning when I said I didn't want anymore children. I was told she'd be lonely, I was being selfish, and other dumb remarks. I think it was healthier for me to know my limits than to appease other people and bring another child into the world; a child I wouldn't be sure I could afford emotionally, financially, or otherwise.
Sheesh! I feel bad for people who prescribe to that kind of thinking. To me, it shows how shallow they are and how empty their lives must be if they think all of that crap is the real world. I have a more than healthy respect for you as I've said numerous times before. I applaud you knowing what you do and don't want and sticking to that. I have far more respect for that, than these trolls spitting out their little crotch trophies (stole that from you...lol) as if the world really needs yet another kid to tolerate.
Keep on doing you...you're closer the reality than she will ever be.
Dueces!
Welp, I'll be chillin' in my fantasy world then! They can have the real world.