My Personal Catastrofuck- Shopping For Baby Shit

Since it is the irony of my frivolous childfree life (one not lived in "the real world" as you learned in the last post) to be surrounded by people with children, it should come as no shock that my BFF is expecting her first baby in the fall.

A few weeks ago, she announced to me that she wanted to have a baby shower.

I panicked a little when she told me because well...how should I articulate this?

I LOATHE FUCKING BABY SHOWERS.

I'll keep it real. I usually only go to baby showers for the free cake. There's never any alcohol and the rest of what goes on at these things is a deplorable exercise in stupidity.

I mean just the idea of a "baby shower" is annoying to me...this is a widely celebrated custom in American society and that puzzles me.

Have sex, get pregnant, and get a party thrown for you with tons of complementary gifts as a congratulations!

Ummm...do you know how much sex I've had in my lifetime? A whole helluva lot. And none of it has ever resulted in me getting pregnant. Is that not sort of remarkable? WHERE IS MY PARTY? Why don't I get a congratulatory celebration?

What kind of paganism is this country founded on for fuck's sake?

Anyway, back to my hatred of baby showers...the biggest insult to my sensibilities?

The fucking stupid ass baby shower games.

Such as:

*Guess the pregnant lady's belly size by cutting up pieces of string and seeing which is the best fit for her "circumference". The winner who comes closest gets a prize OMG! EXCITING!

*Smashing up candy bars in diapers (to look like baby feces, awww how charming!!!), and then using sight and smell to try and guess WHICH candy bar is in which diaper. Pseudo shit mashed up in diapers = OODLES OF FUN!

*Pin the baby on the pregnant woman...sort of like pin the tail on the donkey but done with paper babies. Everyone is blindfolded and the person who puts the baby closest to the knocked up chick's stomach WINS!

Ughhhhh.

Get the hell out of here with this dumb shit.

So, suffice it to say I was incredibly relieved when BFF told me we would not be engaging in any of this fuckery at her shower. We were going to eat good food, socialize with friends, have cake, open her gifts and then roll the fuck out.

I could even consume liquor!

Since BFF was flying out from Cali, where she now lives, she asked that her guests only gift her with baby clothing and gift cards, since these things could be easily transported on the plane.

Now, I think she expected that I'd just get her a gift card and call it a day. After all, I am far from a "kid person" (hello...UNDERSTATEMENT) and the thought of me actually shopping for baby shit was not something that ever crossed her mind.

Well, for some reason that made me want to defy her expectations and go buy baby clothes.

As you can guess, it was sort of a debacle. I was totally clueless and out of my element.

My primary concern? WHY is this crap is so expensive? It's clothes for a baby. They grow out of this shit in two weeks, why does it cost so fucking much?

What a ripoff.

*sidenote*After I discovered how expensive baby clothes are, I told BFF that once the kid is born, she should just keep it diapered and wrapped in blankets and beach towels. That will save a fuckton of cash. Forget buying loads and loads of expensive, cutesy outfits that are not going to fit the kid 6 days from the day it was purchased. Where does this baby need to be every day? It's not like it has school or a job to go to! It's not going to have to keep up appearances or anything! So why does it need a bunch of outfits? Diaper it's ass, throw some socks on it's feet, wrap it in a blanket and handle your business!

BFF laughed me off and while she didn't exactly thank me for this advice, I figure she'll be grateful I gave her this idea in a few months and simply concluded my stellar advice with a charitable "and you're welcome."

As I further flipped through the racks of overly tiny, overly cutesy baby clothes at Target, I grew more and more frustrated with the stupid fucking code language they label this shit with.

For instance, certain clothes had a "PR" label...

"What the fuck is PR???", I asked myself out loud.

Puerto Rico?

Public Relations?

Punk Rock?

Then there was the baby shit labeled "NB".

Um....

New Balance?

Not Big?

Nagging Baby?

UGH! I am used to reading tags that say S, M, L, XL, etc.!

My brain does not compute any of this. Am I an airhead or is this whole process just stupid?

Possibly both?

Apparently, my befuddlement was showing because a Target sales girl came over to me asking if I needed help.

I wonder what gave her that idea! Could it have been me saying,"Goddamn it all to hell!", semi-loudly while drowning in a sea of baby clothes?

Anyhow, she kindly took the time to educate me that "PR" stands for "Preemie" and "NB" stands for "Newborn".

Well, slap me with a big fat fucktard sign.

God I suck at this baby shopping shit. Note to self- NEVER DO IT AGAIN. Next time, get a gift card and quit trying to prove yourself.

I then asked her to show me where the "oneso's" were, totally forgetting the term is "onesie".

TB (Target Bitch), laughed hysterically as if I was intentionally making a joke.

Could I BE a bigger douchebag right now?

I think not.

Will I be baby shopping ever again in this lifetime?

You can bet your ass the answer is hell goddamn no.

Comments

[Tessa]

LMBAO!!!! Perfect way to end this night, thanks for the laugh

[thatgirl]

TB (Target Bitch) LMAO!!!

[Kellina]

LOL! If you're a douchebag then so am I. I have never shopped for baby things and I would have no idea what those letters meant either.

That advice you gave your friend is ingenious too. Babies have nowhere important to be, they do not need a trough full of costly clothes. Like you said, they grow out of them too fast and that money can be better spent on important items.

You are smarter than you give yourself credit for ha-ha.

BTW- "oneso" is my new favorite word. The next time I see someone with a baby I am going to approach them and ask "do you make it wear a oneso under it's clothes?" and wait for a reaction.

LOL!

[Vixen]

LOL...yep, this made my evening! I would have the same friggin dilemma, I don't even bother to try. I just go get a gift for the mommy, something cool, a present that doesn't have to do with the crotchfruit she's about to push forth.

That way she can enjoy something all to herself.

[K.S.]

The gift card option seems like that is the way to go as it allows them to pick out what they want and saves u the stress........

[VLM]

Ooh, chile, why you put yourself thru that?!! LOL Yes, please just give a gift card from Tar-jay or Babies
"R" Us and call it a baby shower gift. LOL

[Serafina]

LOL! You are certainly braver than I. Gift cards are easier and no drowning in baby clothes. I hope the BFF appreciates the thought and psychological stress you endured. ;) Hee hee! Good luck with the baby shower. I've never been to one so I never knew they played stupid games. Unless it's my BFF, the RSVP is always going to read (HELL) No. :D

[studpoet]

*LMAO* "oneso" oh shit! I can't stop laughing over here. a great reprieve from the all day coverage of MJ. I am with you, I hate hate hate hate baby showers and do not ever attend them. Like you, I think they are disgusting celebrations of grosstivity (melted shit candy bars? ewww).

Thank God your BFF understands that don't nobody wanna do that stupid shiz. If we have to celebrate that you and your dude screwed & got knocked up then let's make it a real celebration with dranks and food! Soul train lines and then bouncing out!

[kimsy]

*shudder*

I laughed so hard at your disgust of baby shower games. I agree, they are so ridiculous.

I would have just gotten a gift card and used my precious shopping time for me.

[B. Good]

I have some shopping to do myself for a kid birthday this week. Now I'm terrified, and am thinking about doing the gift card thing for sure!